Indycar Driver RNG Part 1
First up on the stand is.......
1-35 Foyt (FT, 1 year)
36-95 SPM (FT, 1 year)
96-100 Coyne (PT, literally only 1 race)
The RNG reads......32 : he takes the more relaxing option and settles for Super Tex's team, but that'll be dependent on whether Seabass/Hinch will accept the #14.
The son of former CART winner and Laguna Seca ringer Bryan Herta, the 2018 Indy Lights runner-up has been highly sought after by a flurry of teams, big and small.
1-30 Penske (FT, 3 years)
31-50 Herta (FT, 2 years)
51-60 Coyne (FT, 1 year)
61-70 Harding (2 years)
71-85 SPM (FT, 3 years)
86-100 Ganassi (FT, 2 years)
The telescreen squirts out....a 49. While some will cry 'nepotismo' out loud, he's actually talented and will be looking to make a big impression in his rookie season.
The 2017 IndyCar champ received just the one offer from his current team in Cap Roger's squad - no need for an RNG, he takes the deal.
Zachary Claman de Melo
Co-owner of a shoe brand, ZCD's introduction to the top level was unmemorable to put it lightly, save for Texas, where he ran a solid race until he got caught up in Will Power shite. With his bags of money, he has a couple offers up his sleeve :
Dragonspeed 1-15 (PT, 2 races)
Belardi 16-20 (PT, 1 race)
Foyt 21-100 (FT, 1 year)
Ding..... it's a 97 - the offer of a full-time gig is wayyyy too tempting for him to turn down : he'll pilot the #41 for Super Tex's squad.
One of Lights's hottest products, the Mexican has received a slew of potential suitors right and centre, from potentially taking Will Power's seat at Penske to a lone one-race appearance for Coyne - does he want to dive head-first into the bonfire, or take a steady approach instead, given his age?
Harding 1-25 (FT, 2 years)
Penske 26-60 (FT, 3 years)
Ed Carpenter 61-75 (FT, 2 years)
SPM 76-90 (FT, 3 years)
Dragonspeed 91-95 (PT, 4 race)
Coyne 96-100 (PT, 1 race)
It's a....56!!! Pato's willing to dive straight into the flames - he wil take the #12, given he's second in line after a claimed Herta - hopefully the unluckiness has been taken away in the process
Fresh off an abortive McLaren F1 reunion, the Spaniard is looking to take his Stateside aspirations to the next level - the top dogs at Penske are looking to snap him up, but McLaren, who are looking to make a long-awaited return to the Brickyard, want him to lead their project, with the promise of NO Honda
1-35 Penske (FT, 2 years)
36-90 McLaren (FT, 2 years)
91-100 iNdY'S jUsT TuRninG lEfT, blablabla
It will be....a 73 - will Fred finally taste champagne, or will it be a mere continuation of a steady, sad decline? Watch this space.
Derek's boi garnered headlines by managing to bump James Hinchcliffe out of the Indy 500 field on a shoestring budget. As of result, he's garnered a bit of attention from a couple teams :
1-20 Penske (PT, all ovals)
21-50 Rahal (FT, 2 years)
51-70 Ed Carpenter (FT, 1 year)
71-95 Andretti (FT, 2 years)
96-100 Dragonspeed (FT, 3 races)
The RNG-ometer blurts out : 52 : it was really, really close, but he goes for the low-stress environment at ECR - given that he's lower on the pecking order, however, could this come back to bite him?
The other Spaniard's Indy career seems to be coming to a close : however, some teams are looking to pick up for the ovals, with his vast swathes of experience and setup ability
1-30 Foyt (PT, all ovals)
31-50 Coyne (PT, 2 races)
51-75 Ed Carpenter (PT, 12 races)
76-95 Ed Carpenter (PT, Indy-only)
It shalt be....a 90. He thought about hanging up the helmet, but ultimately decided to give it one more fling.
Indy 500 goofage aside, the red-gloved Canuck had a decent year, with a victory at Iowa and a Top 10 points finish to his name. 2019 looks to be more of the same for him, but Andretti want him back, as do their satellite team along with Foyt
1-60 SPM (FT, 1 year)
61-75 Foyt (FT, 2 years)
76-90 Andretti (FT, 2 years)
91-100 Herta (FT, 2 years)
It rings....a 4 - this was rather easy
Now it's time for Carlin Carnage
The Red Bull dropout and 2010 FIA F2 champ (not the F2 you're thinking about) has been dabbling in GT3s and Indy Lights, and he's gotten a phone call from his Lights employer Trevor Carlin to hop in on a two-year deal. With the Ginetta LMP1 project looking more and more like a dead fish, this may be a great opportunity to resuscitate a career that's slowly getting coathangered
1-60 Reunites with his Indy Lights employers (FT, 2 years)
61-100 Gives up on his single-seater aspirations to go sportscar racing
RNG respires.....34 - Stoneman gets another shot to prove his true worth, providing Harvey and a certain F1 reject doesn't snatch it from his grasp
Juan Pablo Montoya
Possibly one of the best all-round racing drivers around, the Colombian has quite a bit of free time on his hands exempting his Penske IMSA gig - McLaren and Carlin want him to run part-time, but will Roger be fine with that?
1-55 McLaren (PT, 6 races)
56-70 Carlin (3 years, Indy-only)
71-100 Sticks to DPi
Roger says....52, 52 : JPM will return to Indy with the Macs, hoping that their partnership will turn out far better than it did last time out.
The Californian has continued to show time after time that he is the real deal, as evidenced by his 3 victories last season - he's very much Andretti's future. Penske, however, want to add on to their armada by poaching him for 2 years, but Rossi's very much more commited to bringing Andretti their first driver's crown since 2012
1-70 Andretti (FT, 3 years)
71-100 Takes the big leap, and goes Penske-chasin' (FT, 2 years)
It will be....21 - no surprises here too
VEEch made his IndyCar debut with Andretti last year to little fanfare - he was rather middling all season, with a few solid results in between : while there's potential for him to improve, Andretti don't seem too keen on retaining him - he sits second on the pecking order behind Rosenqvist for the #27
1-70 Andretti (FT, 1 year)
71-100 Will wait for potential vacancies
RNG spits out....a 42 - he does take it, but that will be dependent on Rosenqvist turning it down
San-tit-o hasn't made too many friends across his now-dead European career, and that he wanted bathplug' MAGA plastered across his sidepod didn't help his cause. However, he should be able to adapt better in his home ground, and a small team like Juncos is an alright area to start.
1-45 Juncos (FT, 1 year)
46-100 I dunno, joins an right-wing extremist nutjob group devoted to the sole duty of keeping Trump in power in 2020
It will be....a 22 - he's hoping no Mexicans don't take his sea- oh wait, Celis exists
Another one straight out the Red Bull Juniors trash compactor, the Kiwi was supposed to drive for Ganassi in 2018 before he went for Toro Rosso, and we know how that turned out. Now potentially relegated back to sportscars, he's now in hot demand :
1-25 Penske (PT, 5 races)
26-35 Coyne (PT, 1 race)
27-55 Carlin (PT, all road races + Indy)
56-80 Ganassi (PT, all #8 events)
81-100 weee back to prototypes
RNG reads......89. Hartley eventually does get to drive for Chip.
Like Veach, he seems to be blessed with a side of Who? syndrome, but was actually quite decent towards the end of last season, which for some reason Ed Carpenter thought wasn't enough to keep him on. He has one solitary resort, being his former 500-only team Juncos, where he worryingly is third in the pecking order.
71-100 Goes someone else, I dunno, GT3s
The RNG reads.....34, but there's a high probability he's not gonna get anything by the end of the day.
Concrete barriers beware! After a couple years being quick but laughingly crashy only at Indy, Dreyer want him to show that crashiness at more races, but surprisingly his Pro Mazda employers Andretti want him to pilot the #28 for all ovals, as do Dragonspeed but with lesser races
1-30 Sticks with Dreyer (PT, 5 races)
35-80 Gets a second chance with Andretti (PT, all ovals)
81-100 Dragonspeed (PT, 3 races)
RNG shakingly reads....55. Michael signs on the dotted line - and has a couple of restless nights thinking bout the repair bills.
Just like Newgarden, no RNG is required - he's more than pleased to sign on for 2 more years.
The Kiwi probably received the shock of his life when he received the email of Andretti wanting him on the #28 ride. While he's pleasantly surprised, to put it lightly, he does have a stable Jaguar FE gig in his back pocket, and is he willing to give that one up?
1-75 Commits to the FE dream with Jaguar
76-100 Leaps onto a brave new world with Andretti (PT, all road races)
It shalt be....a 7 - he goes for the sensible option
3rd in Pro Mazda last season, the Floridian already has a couple of team owner eyes on him, including Bobby Rahal, who wants him for 2 years. While he really wants to make sure his career doesn't go askew by instead dropping into Lights, the offer of racing for a stable upper-middle squad is too tempting to rule out altogether
1-55 Opts to take a year in Lights
56-100 Rahal (FT, 2 years)
The RNG-ometer comments : 2, 2.
He's got many years ahead of him, no need for a Kurt Busch rushup
Continuing the Carlin madcapery, this one was a weird'un, seeing as he's only just completed a solitary season in Japanese F3. But obviously, Trevor Carlin sees something in the 23-year-old that others don't
1-75 Remains determined to break out in his native Japan
76-100 Well, this be interesting (PT, all road races)
It will be : 98 - this is bound to end terribly well
The Mad Russian has gone quiet since running out of moolah in 2017, but he has received an offer from Super Tex to contest all ovals in the #44 PT car
1-15 Foyt (PT, all ovals)
16-100 In Russia, SMP Racing leashes you
It will be....92.
Son of F1 reject Hans, Rene channelled his inner dad's shittery by living up to his namesake on many an occasion last season. However, the Binderholz money just stands there, lurking about, and money's what Juncos needs at this stage, although René's rather low on the pecking order
1-60 Continue to terrorise approaching frontrunners with Juncos (FT, 1 year)
61-100 Pursues a gig in LMP2s
It will be....87. Meh.
Gonna go through the next few drivers a lil' quicker with less dialogue
1-20 Clauson-Marshall (PT, Indy-only)
21-100 Remains commited to IMSA
It will be....81, which is no surprise since she stood a low chance of getting signed anyway
Coming off the disappointment that was Indy 2018, the Brit looks set to make up for that with new squad Clauson-Marshall
1-80 Decides to avenge her 2018 failures with Clauson-Marshall (PT, Indy-only)
81-100 Stays on the couch
It shalt be...a 12 - Pippa's very much up for the challenge
Going to Ganassi was supposed to be the big break of Jones's career, but instead it turned out to be one of mediocrity, resulting in him getting booted come the end of the year. Meyer Shank are willing to take him up, albeit being behind Jack Harvey on the pecking order, and Penske are too looking to put him in their newly-formed #95 car, but that depends on Castroneves not taking it away from him
1-40 Penske (PT, all ovals)
41-80 Meyer Shank (FT, 1 year)
It will be....37. Ed tries to get Helio into some tax shenanigans - we don't talk about that
Now here's a really bathplug candidate
I dunno what crack Michael Andretti took when he was making offers, but boi did he go high with this one
1-10 Why not? (PT, all road races)
11-100 The bathplug?
RNG-ometer reads......87. It was never gonna happen, truth be told
Leist made an impact by winding up in 3rd in quali for his first race at St Pete - then crashed and proceeded to be irrelevant the rest of the year, not helped at all by a shitty Foyt package, and to add insult to injury was not retained after 2018
1-75 Dives into the Carlin bantz-a-tron (PT, 2 years on all ovals)
76-100 RIP career I suppose
RNG displays.....43. Leist decides to take whatever he can get at the this point, even if it's bathplug' Carlin
1-60 Carlin (2 years, all road races)
61-100 I mean, there's GT stuff, and Red Bull F1 Test Driver does sound kinda good on my resume, even if I don't really get to do shite
RNG shouts....33. While Dennis had some hesitation, he does opt to breathe life back into his single-seater career
Now one of the elder statesmen of the sport, Seabass gave Coyne their first win since 2014, and has formed a great partnership with engineer Craig Hampson. However, quite a few teams have knocked on his door, really wanting to secure his wealth of experience
1-34 Coyne (FT, 1 year)
35-60 Penske (FT, 1 year)
61-75 Andretti (FT, 2 years)
76-85 Foyt (FT, 2 years)
86-100 Rahal (FT, 2 years)
RNG-ometer reads....21. Seabass stays loyal to Dale, and is ready to lead the charge once more for the underdogs.
1-80 Belardi (PT, Indy-only)
81-100 Goes NASCAR-ring
It will be.....77 - Davison accepts
While he's mostly on the shortlist for the memez (and also for a one-off Lights drive with Juncos last year), he does bring some money to the team if anything
1-45 Juncos (FT, 1 year)
46-100 Continues to err....exist I suppose
It will be....94
The "other Felipe" has been pilling his trade in IMSA DPi with success, while still going "bathplug Ericsson" from time to time
1-50 Dovetails IMSA with Dragonspeed (PT, 4 races)
51-100 Remains commited to IMSA
RNG displays.....2. Dragonspeed finally have a driver!
After a lack of funding sidelined his full-time season at Harding last year, the Colombian seeks to return with a Foyt offer waiting in the wings
1-60 Foyt (PT, all ovals)
61-100 Trotts off to sportscars
It reads......54 - he damm hopes last-corner shunter doesn't nip it from him
Now get ready for.......
1-25 Coyne (FT, 1 year)
26-50 Ed Carpenter (FT, 2 years)
51-60 Dragonspeed (PT, 2 races)
61-100 Rahal (FT, 1 year)
Rahal walk off with the Tetra Pak fatstacks
Pietro was set to race the full season for Coyne until he was injured in a monster shunt in Spa WEC last year. He returns fully fit this yeah, armed with stacks of Embratel/drugs from favelas moolah
1-45 Coyne (FT, 1 year)
46-60 SPM (FT, 1 year)
61-75 Dragonspeed (PT, 2 races)
76-100 Ed Carpenter (PT, 12 races)
It will be.....79 !! Pietro decides to go for a seat where he can be pretty much invisible, away from the limelight
Now, I want you to guess the next driver
He's an Alt-F1 champ
Second clue : airplane
None other than.....
With Russian Time now in the shitter, Artem now turns his focus Stateside to further his career - with his money that shouldn't be too much of a hassle
1-45 Coyne (FT, 1 year)
46-60 Dragonspeed (PT, 8 races)
61-100 Goes on a caviar-tasting tour or something
It will be.....23! Coyne complete their FT lineup.
All offers gone, you can bathplug off ;/
No Attack No Chance
He's received a potentially massive offer to join the dark side of Penske, but the Honda connection stays in his way
1-30 bathplug you Honda (FT, 1 year)
31-100 Rahal (FT, 2 years)
It will be....65! . Takuma's happy with staying on at Rahal
F1 Bust : Stoffel Vandoorne
1-40 I have a psuedo-Merc FE gig, c'mon
41-65 Penske (PT, 5 races)
66-100 Carlin (FT, 2 years)
It will be....23.
1-45 SPM (FT, 3 years)
46-75 Andretti (FT, 1 year)
76-100 Remains in FE
Cue Vince Welch : who's it gonna be?
It's gonna be......6! SPM have a splendid pairing of Hinch 'n Felix.
In addition to his long-time team Ganassi, he received quite the hefty offer from Rahal
this should be tasty
1-75 Ganassi (2 years)
76-100 Rahal (3 years)
It will be.....31! Not even the massive money could break the Ganassi/Dixie stronghold
No need for RNG - he therefore continues to drive the #15 RLLR machine
since his dad bankrolls Carlin, no need for RNG - he signs on for 3 years
with no offer left, he's kindly told to piss off and go back to Nissan
1-45 Dragonspeed (PT, 8 races)
46-100 Prefers stuffing LMP2s into concrete instead
As the world shakes.......RNG displays......28!! Welcome Crashtor, to the IndyCar stage!
You would think the 2018 Indy 500 winner would sure-fire get a drive
But no, apparently
as a result of this egregious snubbing, Power, in a random corner somewhere, goes bathplug YOUR FACE ROGERRR, double finger up high
1-15 Dragonspeed (PT, 3 races)
16-85 Penske (PT, all ovals)
86-100 Ed Carpenter (PT, all ovals)
RNG displays...32 - he stays on, continuing to chase Borg Warner No. 4
Sergio Sette Camara
despite being soundly beaten by Lando Norris in F2 last season, the almost-2017 Macau GP winner has received a McLaren F1 reserve driver offer, in addition to a Ganassi gig
1-55 McLaren F1 Team Test Driver sounds interesting I guess
56-100 bathplug Red Bull, bathplug the elitist shite, 'murica's where it's at
It will be.....94!!!!!!!!!!!
He quietly whispers in his head : bathplug off Harvey, bathplug off Harvey
Alfonso Celis Jr.
You wanna money? Alfonso gives you money in spades
1-60 Juncos (1 year, FT)
61-75 NASCAR Mexico much?
It will be....43.
The Indy Lights journeyman is absolutely stoked to receive this offer, and delightfully signs on the dotted line for the Carlin #31 (for ovals) without RNG assistance
The Californian comes in with a solid resume, as 2017 Indy Lights champion, and did an alright job in his part-time appearances for Juncos last year : he's looking to transition into a full-time job with them, but does he try to hold out for a better squad?
1-45 Juncos (FT, 2 years)
46-100 Waits for better offers
It will be....77. Kaiser's now on free agency.
1-40 Meyer Shank (FT, 1 year)
41-75 Dragonspeed (PT, 3 races)
RNG replies.....66. Dragonspeed score a decent catch with a handy oval driver.
No need for RNG, he drives for his own team
Offer's gone, exit stage left
Simona de Silvestro
The former IndyCar podium finisher and current Australian Supercars racer received an offer from Carlin to pilot their #11 entry(edited)
1-45 Dovetails Indy with Supercars (PT, 3 races)
55-100 Focuses on Supercars(edited)
It will be....11!
Sinoma returns to the Brickyard
1-55 Dreyer (PT, 5 races)
56-100 Waits for other offers
It will be....45, but this is dependent on Hildebrand turning it down
J.R "Brickyard Bottler" Hildebrand
1-35 Coyne (PT, 2 races)
36-70 Dreyer (PT, 5 races)
71-90 Foyt (PT, all ovals)
91-100 To the couch he goes
RNG displays......57 - no surprise there
Looking to finally branch out into a full-time drive, he's received a big-time offer from Ganassi, as well as from Carlin, but Meyer Shank are also expanding to a full-time program, and are very keen for him to stay on
51-75 Meyer Shank
It will be....60: a surprising move for sure from the Lincolnshire native
Having been snubbed of a Harding drive in 2018, the squad has come crawling back, offering a deal for 2 years, as has Juncos for a year
1-35 Juncos (FT, 1 year)
36-60 Harding (FT, 2 years)
61-100 Looks at other avenues
RNG reads.....12. Juncos therefore complete their lineup - Harding are still in search of a driver
1-90 Decides to stick it out with Andretti (FT, 2 years)
91-100 Opts to call it a career
A 12 - Ryan shalt soldier on for Michael's motley squad