Smash cut to ... EJ!

[Captain Hammer]

This thread is inspired by some recent comments on Eddie Jordan's latest Q&A on the BBC F1 site in which it was observed that EJ can relate absolute anything to Jordan F1.

Here's how this thread works: imagine that the BBC is a bit short-staffed, but need someone to cover some breaking news - and that someone is Eddie Jordan. I'll give you the scenario, and you need to reply as Eddie would. Once you reply, you can set the next scenario. The only rules are that you MUST relate the scenario Jordan F1, and scenarios cannot have anything to do with motorsport.

Ready?

BREAKING NEWS: THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO A BABY GIRL. WE NOW CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN AT THE SCENE FOR MORE.

[CoopsII]

BREAKING NEWS: THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO A BABY GIRL. WE NOW CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN AT THE SCENE FOR MORE.

"...Thanks, it's a beautiful day to welcome a beautiful Princess to the world. In fact, Im reminded of the day we first revealed to the world the Jordan 191. The car carried our hopes and expectations much like this new child will but, unlike the car, it isnt green merely a pinky red colour. Back to Bernie in the studio..."

[CoopsII]

BREAKING NEWS - LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS DISCOVERED OFF THE COAST OF CUMBRIA. WE NOW CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN AT THE SCENE FOR MORE.

[Captain Hammer]

"Thanks, Bernie. Oceanographers have been searching for the lost city of Atlantis for decades, and now they've finally found it - but nobody was expecting it to be off the coast of Cumbria, just as nobody expected Heinz-Harald Frentzen to be in contention for the 1999 World Championship when he was driving for me at Jordan. Back to you."

BREAKING NEWS: KANYE WEST WINS PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY, WILL BECOME 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. FOR MORE ON THIS, WE CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN.

[CoopsII]

BREAKING NEWS: KANYE WEST WINS PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY, WILL BECOME 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. FOR MORE ON THIS, WE CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN.

"Touch the Sky sang Kanye West, or Mr President as we should now call him. One man who was never a president but did set a precedent was Marco Apicella who set the record whilst driving for Jordan for the shortest race distance covered. And to quote the President, he wasnt nothing but a Golddigger! President West has promised a series of reforms across the spectrum but I doubt anything he implements will be as radical as the Jordan 197s air intake which was oval when most over cars air intakes were circular or "round" as Gary Anderson used to call it. Back to you Sir Jackie..."

BREAKING NEWS - LIFE FOUND ON MARS! - OVER TO EDDIE JORDAN WITH THE LATEST

[tommykl]

BREAKING NEWS - LIFE FOUND ON MARS! - OVER TO EDDIE JORDAN WITH THE LATEST

"Well, yes indeed, microorganisms have been found on Mars! This comes as a very big surprise, as life on Mars was not thought to exist! So much so that the chances of the 2003 Jordan F1 car winning a race were compared to the chances of finding life on Mars, and much like we eventually won the Brazilian Grand Prix, life has been found on Mars by the Curiosity rover. Back to the studio!"

BREAKING NEWS - 15-MAN FIREBREATHING TROUPE WINS XFACTOR! - EDDIE JORDAN IS LIVE WITH THE CREW!

[Captain Hammer]

"Yes, you heard that right, Alain - these fifteen guys from Brighton have the X-factor, which is what I saw in Michael Schumacher when I gave him a drive in 1991. It's what made him a seven-time World Champion, and it's what's going to make these guys more than a burlesque troupe, at least until next season. Back to you."

BREAKING NEWS: MEL GIBSON HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR DRINK DRIVING AFTER LEADING POLICE ON A FOURTEEN-HOUR BLIMP CHASE THROUGH CENTRAL LONDON. FOR MORE ON THIS, WE CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN.

[CoopsII]

BREAKING NEWS: MEL GIBSON HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR DRINK DRIVING AFTER LEADING POLICE ON A FOURTEEN-HOUR BLIMP CHASE THROUGH CENTRAL LONDON. FOR MORE ON THIS, WE CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN.

('Kin 'ell Captain!)
"I tort Id seen and heard it all when Ralf Schumacher walked in and told me of his World Championship aspirations but this really takes the biscuit. Surely this is the most damaging thing to happen to an acting career since Eddie Irvine appeared in The Prince And Me. Back to you Murray!"

BREAKING NEWS - ELVIS PRESLEY HAS BEEN FOUND ALIVE AND WELL IN DES MOINES, USA! EDDIE! WHAT'S HAPPENING OVER THERE?

[Ataxia]

"Dat's roight, Moike, and he's currently in somewhere known as the "Heartbreak Hotel", which is ironically what we called the hotel in which Jordan Grand Prix lost Michael Schumacher to Benetton when Roberto Moreno decided he didn't want to be part of them any longer. Elvis is known for the song "Jailhouse Rock", which is almost certainly related to when Jordan Grand Prix lost Bertrand Gachot after he assaulted a taxi driver in 1991. Back to the studio, which is what we used to call the Jordan headq..." *cut off*

NEWS JUST IN: LOUIS VAN GAAL HAS BEEN GIVEN A FINAL ULTIMATUM BY THE MANCHESTER UNITED BOARD TO TURN AROUND THEIR RESULTS! EDDIE, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US?

[Captain Hammer]

"Well, Nigel, it's a case of the club telling him to get results or get out, which is what I told Tiago Monterio when he was driving for me at Jordan Grand Prix. In the end, he didn't, so I had to let him go, so it doesn't look good for van Gaal. Back to you."

BREAKING NEWS: WOMAN SUCCESSFULLY SUES DISNEY AFTER PROVING "FROZEN" IS BASED ON HER LIFE. EDDIE JORDAN IS AT THE COURT HOUSE FOR A FULL REPORT.

[dr-baker]

"Well, the classic film Grand Prix famously had a team boss that had the same surname as me, and I have considered suing the studio that made that film for basing that team name on me and my team, just as that lady is suing Disney."

BREAKING NEWS: BRITISH CARS NO LONGER TO DISPLAY TAX DISCS.

[FMecha]

"Well, during the British Grand Prix, none of my Formula One cars have to display them."

BREAKING NEWS: HALF LIFE 3 RELEASED.

[DOSBoot]

BREAKING NEWS: PHSYCIC MEETING CANCELLED DUE TO UNFORSEEN EVENS. EDDIE JORDAN HAS THE STORY.

[Frentzen127]

BREAKING NEWS: HALF LIFE 3 RELEASED.

BREAKING NEWS: PHSYCIC MEETING CANCELLED DUE TO UNFORSEEN EVENS. EDDIE JORDAN HAS THE STORY.

Indeed James, as we can see the psychics were taken completely by surprise at the sudden release of Half-Life 3 which they failed to foresee, it reminds me of how surprised I was when Damon Hill won the first race for Jordan Grand Prix under equally unforeseen circumstances. Back to the studio.

BREAKING NEWS: CIVIL WAR BREAKS OUT IN MALTA! EDDIE JORDAN WITH THE DETAILS.

[Captain Hammer]

"Thanks, Gerhard. Nobody seems to know what happened to provoke this conflict, but I'd like to take this opportunity to quote poet and philosopher W. Axl Rose, who asked 'what's so civil about war?', and so I think the Maltese could learn a thing or two from Tiago Monterio and Narain Karthikeyan. They didn't get along when they were driving for me in Formula One, but they always conducted themselves with decorum."

BREAKING NEWS: KIM JONG-UN DECLARES BORIS JOHNSON TO BE "A MODEL LEADER", DYES HAIR BLOND IN IMITATION. FOR MORE ON THIS, WE CROSS LIVE TO PYONGYANG WHERE EDDIE JORDAN IS STANDING BY.

[takagi_for_the_win]

"Thanks Gary. Yes, here in Pyongyang, the Great Leader has declared his love for BoJo and has died his hair bright yellow. I have to say, this reminds me somewhat of the F1 grid of the late 90's, where you'd find many people also dying their hair bright yellow, in support to my F1 team. Back to you, Gary.

BREAKING NEWS: Ebola virus mysteriously vanishes from Sierra Leone, with many health dignitaries branding it a "miracle".

[roblo97]

"Thanks Gary. Yes, here in Pyongyang, the Great Leader has declared his love for BoJo and has died his hair bright yellow. I have to say, this reminds me somewhat of the F1 grid of the late 90's, where you'd find many people also dying their hair bright yellow, in support to my F1 team. Back to you, Gary.

BREAKING NEWS: Ebola virus mysteriously vanishes from Sierra Leone, with many health dignitaries branding it a "miracle".

It's a miracle in the same way that we had a miracle at Spa in 1998 when we won.

Back to you in the studio, Susie.

BREAKING NEWS: STUDENTS IN HONG KONG IN PRO DEMOCRACY PROTEST AFTER THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF CHINA INLY OFFER THEM CANDIDATES HAND PICKED BY THEM. OVER TO YOU EDDIE IN HONG KONG

[watka]

"Yes, the Hong Kong residents are very unhappy here and are voicing their disgust over the central selection of candidates, but they must learn to cope with a leadership they didn't select, much like the employees at Jordan when I handed over ownership to Alex Shnaider. The guys just got on with things and now they are thriving under the Force India name. Back to you Toranosuke"

BREAKING NEWS: TESCO TO CLOSE HALF OF ITS STORES AS DETAILS OF HUGE DEBTS EMERGE

[CoopsII]

BREAKING NEWS: TESCO TO CLOSE HALF OF ITS STORES AS DETAILS OF HUGE DEBTS EMERGE

<In Eddies slow and quieter voice, you know the one>
"You know, sometimes in big business you haff to make the tough decisions and this is something I know only too well and Tesco are beginning to learn. I remember very clearly from the 1994 season. It was in Canada and the teams always used to compete in a boat race wid each udder. Anyway, Anderson comes to me and says theres simply no way they can finish the raft they'd begun without another 7 US dollars to buy more gaffer tape. Now I already owed Bernie 4 dollars for tea bags but Id done a deal with Max on some discounted leather that had come my way, I never did get to the bottom of why he wanted it, but I was able to give Gary the go ahead and the raft was completed and went on to win the race. Back to you Stirling in the studio...."

BREAKING NEWS - SCOTLAND TO DIG ITSELF FREE FROM THE REST OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND BE FLOATED AWAY TO FREEDOM....

[sw3ishida]

"Yes, we hear the Scots are making a break for it! However, I predict that, much like Damon Hill's constant mutterings of leaving me mid-season in 1999, it's going to come to pretty much nothing."

And in breaking news, EasyJet have profitted hugely from an Air France strike. We now go to Eddie Jordan for more

[Phoenix]

"Well, we never had anything like a strike at Jordan, probably because we didn't do things the French way, but whatever. I think EasyJet's business has been made even easier for their jets, just like what happened at the 1998 Belgian GP for us when Mika Häkkinen and Michael Schumacher went on striking other people's cars. Good days".

[Captain Hammer]

BREAKING NEWS - A DRUNK, NAKED AND RAVING IRISHMAN HAS BROKEN INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. FOR MORE WE CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN FROM INSIDE THE SECRET SERVICE STATION IN THE BUILDING. EDDIE, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US?

[TheBigJ]

BREAKING NEWS - A DRUNK, NAKED AND RAVING IRISHMAN HAS BROKEN INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. FOR MORE WE CROSS LIVE TO EDDIE JORDAN FROM INSIDE THE SECRET SERVICE STATION IN THE BUILDING. EDDIE, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US?

''YOu know, Moike, it turns out not even the Secret Service has figured out how I managed to find a rough diamond in hte form of Michael Schumacher and give him the opportunity into the greatest racing driver the sport has ever witnessed! But that's enough about Eddie Jordan, let's talk about Eddie Jordan.

[DOSBoot]

BREAKING NEWS: LARGE EXPLOSION AT NISSAN FACTORY! EDDIE JORDAN HAS THE STORY.

Thanks Murray. Tragedy struck a small company town in southern Ontario this morning when the local Canadian Nissan manufacturing plant was destroyed in a massive explosion. The cause of which, is still under investigation. The force of the blast resulted in thousands of small car parts launching into the air and falling on the adjacent town, causing minor injuries to civilians, and considerable damage to property. As one local resident of the town mentioned to me, "It was raining Datsun cogs." Back to you Murray.