Alt-Mario Kart 2008: Pax Saura

[Rob Dylan]

Defending three-time world champion Dixie Kong poses for publicity photo alongside championship rival and constructors' championship winner Funky Kong (no relation).


It's the series that's got everyone from Graham Norton to George Lazenby talking - it's Alt-Mario Kart and we're back for a seventeenth season! As we softly enter the fourth phase of this grotesque monstrosity, let's do a recap of everything so far.


News


2007's racing ended rather suddenly and harshly. Mario Mario won the Mario Invitational Championship at the same time that his old rival-turned-friend Redsaurus C. Koopamuncher drowned in a boiling lake of lava. The enquiry is ongoing and threatens to overshadow the charity football match which, trust me, is coming at some point. Mario Mario's own son Mario Mario Jr. (a.k.a. Mario Toadstool a.k.a. Baby Mario) was involved in a terrible somersault crash that dislocated and fractured all of his limbs and bones. As he currently undergoes recovery therapy, his future in racing has been cut prematurely.

Mitsuyoshi won the Mario Kart championship for the third time, and for the third time in the hands of their superstar Dixie Kong. Since the accession of Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas to the MKDA representative role again, Dixie has been on another planet, and her six wins is the most since Wario Jumpman took the same number in 1998, and seven in 1997. Her teammate Toad Toadstool has been signed up for another two years, with some caveats. He was also mega-fast, but inconsistent when he was needed. With the most dominant Cup ever in Mario Kart history to round out the year, he has at least given himself a springboard for another shot at the title.

The DPRK team were second overall, but it was a distant second. Their early season pace didn't last, and Peach Toadstool especially had a dreadful middle section that must rank among the worst in the championship's history. Lemmy Koopa too was inconsistent, and only started catching up with her teammate in the final stages. With no other strong opposition, the team were runner-up but will need to do more. Lemmy is gone and replaced by Waluigi. One wonders just how much time Peach has left in her, however, and her return for 2008 has raised some eyebrows.

Equipe Luigier, there is a lot to say about them. Since early 2006 they have operated a spend, spend, spend policy, which has reaped dividends as they have gone from a distant 8th overall to 3rd last year. Both Luigi Mario and Waluigi took a victory each, and for large amounts of the year they seemed like the best of the rest behind Mitsuyoshi overall. However, now with the rule changes, it's anyone's guess how the money situation is actually going to develop. Waluigi, who has left for DPRK, was probably the stronger of the two drivers, or at least the younger. Now, a 40-year-old Luigi is going to have to build up that team yet again with a younger hopeful.

Galactic Kong Racing is the successor to the short-lived Koopra Kids team that never seemed to hire any Koopas. With a name change, ownership change, and an everything change, Galactic are being run by Chunky Kong in his latest escapade. Larry Koopa has been re-signed along with the new hire of Goombella. Between them, they could be a solid pairing, though the actual quality of the kart with such a new team is unknown.

Red Bowser Racing have been a lot more interesting since Donkard Kong Jr. was hired to become team principal. The driver choices have been a lot more daring, and with their recent upper-midfield status, they have had some years to get back some of their old reputation and become a little less unpopular. Banjo-Kazooie was probably a step too far, and after just one year in the seat, they were fired to make way for the Australian Mark Wiggler, who won last year's Formula Power Flower championship. Wiggler has been in and out of Mario Kart for years, and with the giantkiller Bowser Jr. alongside him, he will be jumping into the fire now.

Rather embarrassingly, Koopra Sport finished two places behind the customer Koopra Kids team last season. Kooper Troopa didn't get in the key driver signings or chassis upgrades when they were most needed, and in spite of her speed, even stars like Kokkoro Toudou found it hard to stay motivated. Pacman Beaneater has had a year under his belt, though even with three podiums it's hard to determine his overall pace. The team remain a grey area for 2008.

The best of the rest, if that's what we can call them, were King Boo Motorsports. King Boo himself took second place at the meme round of the Bahrain Grand Prix, and the combined 9 points on top of Goombella's 1 meant that KBM could beat even Birdette Racing on countback. Will this funding be the breakthrough that the controversial team principal needs to get his Mario Kart team off the ground? And who will drive the kart now that Wiz Pig is gone?

The aforementioned Birdette Racing is no more. The team struggled for some seasons but has now seen fit to accept a purchase by the Saurus Group. This will effectively turn them into a Mitsuyoshi b-team. Birdetta Birdo remains as the team principal, and it looks as though the re-signed Toadette will have to run part-time as Yoshisaur's new favourite son Yellowsaurus will take the wheel at least for part of the season.

Also changing is the new Save Our Paras - Mario team that is succeeding Project Mario. A takeover by an unnamed Chinese conglomerate sees the proud name of Mario Mario almost disappear and his employee now become his employer. Para Troopa becomes team principal and lead driver, while the group are looking to hire youngster Sonic T. Hedgehog as part of a publicity stunt to coincide with the upcoming Beijing Olympics. Will the 17-year-old Sonic be able to break the rules and enter Mario Kart?

And finally Crygorti Corse. They had a serious sophomore slump in 2007 with no points. Penny Crygor, granddaughter of team boss Victor Crygor, only qualified six times, while mainstay Robert O. Buddy qualified every time but still didn't score. It's not quite the rise from the bottom the team were hoping for, and 2008 may be a do or die season. Junior series winner Koops van Petalburg now becomes the team's second driver, and with some quality drivers they could finally rise up from the bottom.


The Grid


Mitsuyoshi Buntai
Team Principal: Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas
#1: Dixie Kong
#2: Toad Toadstool

Donkard Peach Racing Kongection
Team Principal: Peach Toadstool
Technical Director: Funky Kong
#3: Peach Toadstool
#4: Waluigi

Équipe Luigier
Team Principal: Luigi Mario
#5: Luigi Mario
#6: Daisy von Sarasaland

Galactic Kong Racing
Team Principal: Chunky Kong
#7: Larry Koopa
#8: Goombella

Red Bowser Racing
Team Principal: Donkard Kong Jr.
Senior Advisor: Bowser Koopa
#9: Bowser Koopa Jr.
#10: Mark Wiggler

Koopra Sport
Team Principal: Kooper Troopa
#11: Kokkoro Toudou
#12: Pacman Beaneater

King Boo Motorsports
Team Principal: King Boo
#14: Banjo-Kazooie
#15: King Boo

Birdette Saurian
Team Principal: Birdetta Birdo
#16: Birdetta Birdo
#17: Toadette (Rs 1-6); Yellowsaurus H. Koopabitas (Rs 7-16)

Save Our Paras - Mario
Team Principal: Para Troopa
Senior Advisor: Mario Mario
#18: Para Troopa
#19: Sonic T. Hedgehog

Crygorti Corse
Team Principal: Victor Crygor
#20: Robert O. Buddy
#21: Koops van Petalburg


New Rules

• New Points System: the 2003-2007 system is being updated to reach down to 11th place! From henceforth it will be: 15-12-10-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1

• Formula Power Flower is being rebranded into a bike series which will happen concurrently with the Mario Kart season. It will be renamed MotoFP and will continue the old rules 2003-7.

Calendar

Mushroom Cup
1. Luigi Circuit [Mushroom Kingdom]
2. Moo Moo Meadows [Mushroom Kingdom]
3. Mushroom Gorge [Mushroom Kingdom]
4. Moo Moo Meadows [Mushroom Kingdom]

Flower Cup:
5. Mario Circuit [Mushroom Kingdom]
6. Coconut Mall [Mushroom Kingdom]
7. DK Summit [Donkey Kong Country]
8. Wario's Gold Mine [Diamond City]

Star Cup:
9. Daisy Circuit [Sarasaland]
10. Koopa Cape [Koopa Kingdom]
11. Maple Treeway [Gold Leaf Galaxy]
12. Grumble Volcano [Donkey Kong Country]

Special Cup:
13. Dry Dry Ruins [Yoshi's Island]
14. Moonview Highway [Mushroom Kingdom]
15. Bowser's Castle [Koopa Kingdom]
16. Rainbow Road [Space]


Phase 1 (1992-1995) records
Phase 2 (1996-2002) records
Phase 3 (2003-2007) records

Phase 4 (current) records

[Rob Dylan]

Daisy von Sarasaland returns to the grid for Equipe Luigier, the team she co-owned when it was called SSL. After almost two years of racing hiatus, she drove in Formula Power Flower last year with a victory, and is now planning to jump right back into her old team the moment they have got good again!

Koopra Sport announce that their 2007 line-up will remain of Kokkoro Toudou and Pacman Beaneater.

King Boo Motorsports are then the last to announce their drivers, with King Boo driving the #15 along recent signing, 2006 Mario Kart Champion Banjo-Kazooie.

Birdette Racing confirm their takeover with a slight renaming to Birdette Saurian. Toadette will drive for the first six rounds, with Yellowsaurus H. Koopabitas driving the remaining ten.

Galactic agrees to part ways with their Koopa Climax contract, instead starting a new engine deal with Kongsworth. It brings the DKC marque back to Mario Kart for the first time since their deal with SBA back in 2000.

[Rob Dylan]

Sonic's Age Confirmed with New Birth Certificate

Initial reports had come out that Save Our Paras - Mario had signed a driver who was too young. Sonic T. Hedgehog, a Christmas Islander, was initially reported to have been born in 1991 and would be too young at the age of 17 to participate in Mario Kart. However, a representative of the Chinese firm which owns Save released a photocopy of Hedgehog's birth certificate which confirms he was actually born in 1987 and is more than old enough to participate! This clears up days of rumours that have driven this magazine's readers and writers mad.

[Frogfoot9013]

Mario Mario is announcing the beginning of an independent inquiry into safety standards in the Mario Invitational Championship. The independent panel will be led by retired driver and team owner Foreman Spike, who will be joined by 2000 Diddy Kong Racing champion Whomp King and retired Mario Kart veteran Wiz Pig.

[Rob Dylan]

Where is Donkey Kong?



It's the question on everyone's lips this week. After losing out on any seats for 2008, Donkey Kong has been unavailable for comment towards this magazine, and by accident we started a manhunt! It turns out that DK's own manager doesn't know where he is, and he appears to have fallen off the face of the earth. If you've seen Donkard around anywhere in your area, please write to us at:

Unimaginative Banana-Themed Address
DK123 C45
Donkey Kong Country

[Rob Dylan]

MotoFP Calendar Announced

As it says on the tin, the new junior series will be happening concurrently with the Mario Kart series, with all but three rounds happening nearby the actual MK event. It is undecided as of yet whether we will be running variations of Mario Circuit/Raceway or if we shall just run the best one over and over again. Same goes for Bowser's Castle.

Meanwhile, the drivers in the series are going to be sponsored (at least most of them) by some of the existing Mario Kart teams as a way of getting them to test out new talent without any risk to their own skins. We'll announce the main lineups soon enough.

1. Peach Beach [Mushroom Kingdom]
2. Mario Raceway [Mushroom Kingdom]
3. Shy Guy Beach [Mushroom Kingdom]
4. Waluigi Stadium [Mushroom Kingdom]
5. Mario Circuit [Mushroom Kingdom]
6. Mario Circuit (again) [Mushroom Kingdom]
7. DK Jungle Parkway [Donkey Kong Country]
8. Delfino Square [Isle Delfino]
9. Yoshi Circuit [Yoshi's Island]
10. Bowser's Castle [Koopa Kingdom]
11. Ghost Valley [Yoshi's Island]
12. DK Mountain [Donkey Kong Country]
13. Sherbet Land [Yoshi's Island]
14. Peach Gardens [Mushroom Kingdom]
15. Bowser's Castle (again) [Koopa Kingdom]
16. Desert Hills [Yoshi's Island]


Despite appearing in all the promotional material, Daisy von Sarasaland is not expected to race in any rounds of the MotoFP series despite being responsible for its creation.

[Rob Dylan]

First Pre-Season Test



Once the seats were all taken, behind-the-scenes talk was around which drivers were being sponsored for MotoFP. Lemmy Koopa got signed up with Red Bowser, while his younger brother Ludwig signed with Galactic. Crygorti even mustered up the cash to get Ashley Red a seat as well. The MIA plans to put in a few of their own preferred drivers - some new and some experienced - to allow for a more interesting grid.

Meanwhile, we had our opening test at the 2005-7 configuration of Mario Circuit. The Save Our Paras - Mario karts did brilliantly in the opening hours of the day, and then Luigi and Dixie managed to beat their times in the afternoon. Full results here:



All but Luigier, Red Bowser, and KBM are on the Yoshihamas this year. With nine engines on the grid as well, we're going to see some interesting variety and stratification depending on what kind of circuits we're going to be seeing.

[Rob Dylan]

TENSIONS AT DPRK?

Something Rotten in DPRK

Are tensions mounting at DPRK? Rumours mount after various journalists reported stories yesterday on DPRK's lack of progress with the new rules, that the team's new chassis is nothing to write home about, and hasn't been developed to team owner Peach Toadstool's standards. As a result, a reshuffle has been announced in the technical staff. Funky Kong keeps his place as technical director, but one wonders if this is a warning for him.

Peach's attempts to quell rumours of instability failed after a major gaffe when she suggested sending members of her own staff to "camps" to retrain them.

[Rob Dylan]

Second Pre-Season Test and Round 1 at Luigi Circiut



The second pre-season test was held at the brand-new, newly refurbished Luigi Circuit. And the fastest driver was quite the shock! Banjo-Kazooie ended up fastest over the course of the day, with previous fast teams Luigier and Mitsuyoshi falling further back in the overall order. The fact that four teams were within a tenth of the fastest time is incredible.

When it came to the first race, all 20 drivers qualified. Larry Koopa led in Q1, and then again in Q2. It looked inevitable that he would take pole, and indeed that Galactic might be taking a 1-2 on the grid on their debut. At the very last-minute however, Banjo-Kazooie stole the glory to take pole, KBM's first and their own first since 2006. The race was marred by two first-lap collisions, both involving Mitsuyoshis. The defending champion drivers were both out by the time the pack reached the back turn, with Dixie's hitting of Mark Wiggler being labelled as having no action, and Toad's hitting of old teammate and bitter rival Waluigi resulting in the former getting a DSQ and a five-second penalty for the next race.

Anyhoo, Larry Koopa retook the lead by the end of the first lap, and won the race with fastest lap. Galactic took a win on debut, while Birdetta Birdo had made a great run from qualifying to take third - her own first podium since 2005. The Red Bowsers were fourth and fifth, so collectively we had three teams on 15 points after the first round, with KBM fourth on 13 points. There is absolutely all to play for in the next 15 rounds.

[Rob Dylan]

Yoshi announces thorough investigation into Mario Kart doping

After no apparent rumours whatsoever, MKDA representative Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas, 46, believes that it is time to have a strict crackdown on any potential doping going on in Mario Kart and any other MIA-affiliated series. In an effort to push against unfair advantages in motorsport, Yoshi wants to ensure that all drivers, his own included, are racing on a level playing field.

This means that a full and thorough investigation into drug use within Mario Kart will be taking place in the immediate future.



Yoshi, pictured above, is also up for re-election for MKDA representative this summer. One wonders if this new crackdown is a last desperate attempt to get an edge on his racing opponents.

[Rob Dylan]

Rounds 2 and 3 - Moo Moo Meadows and Mushroom Gorge



Continuing the Mushroom Cup's new role as being a solely Mushroom Kingdom located Cup, we had the renovated Moo Moo Farm, as well as a brand-new track built in the countryside.

Most of the talk pre-race was about Toad's penalty, which was going to have serious effects as Mitsuyoshi sorted out its woes and licked its wounds from Luigi Circuit. When both drivers were noticeably faster in qualifying for Round 2, there was a sigh of relief for team boss Yoshi - short-lived as it were, because Dixie got knocked out of Q2 by her teammate. Anyway, Mark Wiggler took a shock pole on Saturday, before winning a very close event with Larry Koopa charging up the order and threatening to overtake at any minute. Toad scraped the wall and had a line of karts back to ninth whom he was holding up. Still finishing third, he dropped down to a dreadful 11th to take his first point of the year. Wiggler kept his pole and won, Larry was second, and Sonic The Hedgehog took third in only his second ever race! Luigi and Goombella were the other pleased drivers just behind them. Banjo-Kazooie dumped his kart mid-race in the mud and made an embarrassing exit.



At Mushroom Gorge, it was a dominant display all weekend from Larry. He took pole, win, and fastest lap, and was completely unopposed for the whole event. Sonic was his closest competitor in another excellent display, finishing second. Daisy took Luigier's first podium of the year, and her own first since 2004. Mitsuyoshi had their best race yet with 4th and 6th, with progress clearly on display. Otherwise, the season is looking to be a long one for Koopra Sport and Crygorti, who have notably bad chassis. DPRK have gone from fighting for championships to scrapping for points overnight.

[Rob Dylan]

Round 4 - Toad's Factory



The Mushroom Cup ended at Toad's Factory, with a lot of pressure on Toad Toadstool to perform well in his first home event since 2002. There was little stopping the event from being just another Larry Koopa love-in. Indeed, Goombella nearly took second on the grid before she was unseated by some Red Bowsers and Luigiers. Toad and the SOP-Ms were the only other central opposition with a chance at the top, at this very high-speed circuit.

Early on, Waluigi got involved with another first-lap collision, and this time it resulted in his full disqualification from the race for hitting the loveable Mark Wiggler. Larry sped away, with Sonic getting swallowed and eventually getting splattered by machines. Daisy took second with the engine-strong KBM of King Boo taking third. Para Troopa did well to make up the places and finish fourth, while Goombella took another fifth. Early damage for Toad saw him fall down the order to 6th, while the other home hero of Toadette finished 10th after the aforementioned DSQ.

[Rob Dylan]

As the spring comes to an end, this magazine asks the simple question:

IS YOSHI A FRAUD?

A tax fraud, that is! Evidence seems to have come into the hands of a major newspaper that potentially outs the former Mario Kart race winner and current championship team owner Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas as the worst thing imaginable - a tax evader. He has been apparently shoring up his accounts in the low-rent Dinosaur Land dependency rather than in his own native Yoshi's Island, which has allowed himself and the team to live such a luxurious and successful few years. More to follow - is this all true and is Yoshi Satan incarnate? Or is this just character assassination in place of the regular assassination?

[Rob Dylan]

MotoFP Line-Up Announced

We have a 16-race calendar all lined up (see earlier post) for this year's MotoFP season, happening concurrently with Mario Kart. The MIA invited certain teams (those with money innit) to promote their own reserve drivers over whom they would have priority in determining the careers of. Only four teams took part in this:

- Mitsuyoshi: Yellowsaurus H. Koopabitas
- Red Bowser Racing: Lemmy Koopa
- Galactic Kong Racing: Ludwig Koopa
- Crygorti Corse: Ashley Red

Therefore, the MIA has pushed for its own favourite drivers to fill the remaining four spots. If this season is super popular, we will consider adding enough slots to fit 10 or 12 different drivers.

- Candy Kong
- Tiny Kong
- Pipsy Astromouse (2005 Mario Kart champion)
- Estela Rosalina


All promotional material shot with series mascot Daisy von Sarasaland was done so before her abrupt exit from her own series and return to Mario Kart. She did not nominate any drivers in her place.

[Rob Dylan]

"Pipsqueak" Astromouse Falls From Grace

From becoming Mario Kart champion to propping up a junior series upon request - it's been a tough two and a half years for Pipsy Astromouse. However, the 38-year-old is determined to prove her deniers wrong and to keep going as long as she's wanted. Thankfully for her, the MIA have scooped her up as the new post-Daisy mascot for MotoFP, and the spec series will likely be a make-or-break for her desired journey back to the top series in Mario Kart.

"Considering where I ended up after 1999, I'd say it's been a success". She has regularly and publicly voiced her discontent at arch-rival Mario Mario since Pipsy's graceless disqualification from Diddy Kong Racing nine years ago. But Astromouse says it has given her pleasure watching the Italian's career sputter out in the intervening years. "Now he barely runs his own team, and goodness knows what lengths he's gone to in order to keep control there." Asked her opinion on the current 2008 Mario Kart grid, she was very positive and complimentary. "However," she added, "Conker T. Squirrel is the most talented driver not on the Mario Kart grid right now, and it's a big shame he doesn't have a seat for 2008." However, Pipsy may be biased, as Conker was another contemporary who was himself banned from the 1997 Diddy Kong Racing season by one Signore Mario. There is lots of bad blood in Mario Kart, and grudges last a long time. There is also something rather fitting about Mario, Pipsy, and Conker all losing their seats simultaneously.

[Rob Dylan]

MotoFP, Rounds 1-4

It was a relatively straightforward set of races, with Rosalina dominating the first two as the Koopa brothers and Candy Kong started to get their acts together. Therefore, while Rosalina hasn't dominated quite as much as Larry Koopa is doing in Mario Kart, it's still quite a massive lead. However, there are only 8 runners and so the overall order can and should change considerably in the coming races. No major drama from the four races at all, actually! Rosalina and Lemmy looking like the two strongest racers so far. More to follow after the break.

[Rob Dylan]

MotoFP, Rounds 5-8

For the next four rounds, the order changed in that Lemmy finally got his act together, and Candy was able to genuinely challenge for the overall lead. Only problem was that Rosalina also got her act together at the same time, and ended the four-race stint where she started, in front. Ludwig and Ashley were both fast but heavily unreliable. Pipsy was slower but more reliable. Yellowsaurus got swapped out for Toadette after Round 6, and while on the pace, Toadette crashed twice.

[Rob Dylan]

Mario Leaves Save Our Paras after just a few months

Project Mario was bought over the winter break by a Chinese conglomerate and was renamed Save Our Paras - Mario with majority ownership, and general directorship going to his former teammate and employee Para Troopa. The reasons have not been given, either officially or unofficially, but even in Mario Mario's chequered past of changing teams and purposes in life, this ranks as one of his shortest projects.

We will bring you more information when we have it.


Artist's impression

[Frogfoot9013]

This marks my final ever involvement in motorsport. None of you shall ever hear from me in this wretched business again. I have achieved everything I set out to do when I began my career, and I regret none of my actions.

[Rob Dylan]

Flower Cup

So, the Flower Cup. Larry Koopa took pole again and looked set to win the race easily before he crashed around the tunnel area, allowing teammate Goombella to lead and take her maiden win. A poor qualifying for Sonic allowed his teammate Para to take a great second place, while Toad finally gave Mitsuyoshi a podium it so desperately needed. Koops van Petalburg took fifth place, the best result for Crygorti in two years.

Bowser Jr. took a surprise win, and Red Bowser's second, at Coconut Mall for Round 6. Larry's crash in qualifying had him stuck near the back all race, while lots of late retirements behind Toad meant that Luigi and Banjo Kazooie could inherit some fantastic results up the order.

DK's Snowboard Cross had another lights to flag win for Larry Koopa - his fourth in seven races, with Toad crashing out at the first corner and Luigi later on. Daisy and Mark Wiggler led thebest of the rest, while Pacman was disqualified for a crash with Waluigi.

Wario's Gold Mine saw Mitsuyoshi take their first win - Toad dominated the event while Goombella choked second place to crash twice and retire. Sonic and Larry were second and third, while Koops' second great result of the year was nullified by a five-second penalty for punting Para Troopa.

[Rob Dylan]

Our current MKDA rep runners as the election comes up again are:

• Chunky Kong

• Daisy von Sarasaland

• Funky Kong

• King Boo

• Para Troopa

• Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas

Of these five, two have spoken up. Daisy has promised to reduce the age limit for entering Mario Kart by four years, while Yoshi has pointed out how nobody has died so far during his most recent two years of stewardship (not even himself). The election shall be run soon. If you intend to run for representative, let me know.

[Rob Dylan]

Photo taken in 1995 when neither Lewis Hammerton nor Yoshisaur Munchakoopas had died yet